Forgiveness

I wrote that I've given up on the world and that I hate people. True and not true. My last post was about negativity defenseness. That's what I was doing with that attitude.

The feeling is: if you remind yourself that there are a lot of assholes out there you remember to keep your guard up. That's what the people hating is about. It's just a reminder that many people are low lifes and one must remember that to survive.

Giving up on the world refers to another defense. I've worked very hard as a writer and painter to achieve "success" in the conventional sense. By that I mean, the world would have acknowledged that what I do is special. This has however not occurred.

Let me back up a bit. When I was a kid, I resented how women were objectified. The guys (on tv) would be doing something productive and the hot woman would be looking on in a bikini. Does this make any sense? A good example would be a music video where the guys are making music and the woman is standing around all hot and half naked.

This still bugs me to this day. Society will value a woman who'll show her tits on camera much more than any other kind of woman. Why is that? I'll leave that up to you.

I know that if I had desired to go into sexwork that I would have done a lot better (success-wise). That's one of the reasons that I've given up on the world. Anyway.

About forgiveness, I'm incredible angry most of the time. I know it's a waste of energy. I also know that I'm mostly angry at myself. Why? Because I couldn't make things right. I couldn't achieve redemption.

I wake up from my dreams furious at my parents, furious at myself that I couldn't fix anything and that I gave up.