The squirrel saw and opportunity and he stole them

This was on craigslist rants and raves:

OK, I live with my parents, and share a bedroom with my idiot older brother. So, when I made my latest batch of pot brownies, I couldn't stash them anywhere in our room. Either my mom, the White Tornado, or my brother would find them. If she found them, she would blow a gasket and start peeling off Novenas and start self-flagellating in the scabby-kneed tradition of our Catholic family. If my brother found them, he would become even more of a masturbating zombie and would deny ever taking them.

So, I stashed them on the ledge just outside our bedroom, wrapped up in Saran wrap. You couldn't see them from either the backyard or the window. The perfect hiding spot.

I'm in the backyard this morning, taking out the trash, and I notice this squirrel running purposefully across the yard and up the tree that sits outside our window. He pauses for a moment, and I swear to Christ that he had a psychaedelic gleam in his eye. He pops almost vertically up in the air about two feet and then, in a contradiction of the laws of physics, moves seemingly horizontally onto the ledge - right where I stashed my brownies.

"Oh, shit, no..." I ran into the house, bolted up the stairs, threw open the window...crumbs. An entire half-lid of the most lovely, ancestral-trip provoking, love-inspiring ganga I have ever had, and it was all gone in a morning.

Somewhere in my backyard, there is a nest full of mightily stoned squirrels sleeping it off. "Wow Dad, this is the best tasting cheese you ever brought home. Got any Pop-Tarts?"

I hate you squirrels. If I ever catch you, I'm going to make you all into a pair of mittens.